Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Where are they now - Calvin Johnson

So Calvin Johnson was in Indianapolis last weekend at an NFL scouting combine. Along with a number of other prospects, he was put through his paces.

The results? How about 4.33 40............. 11 foot standing broad jump................. 43 inch vertical............... What can you say - guess he must have been really under the weather...................... No seriously, those are just plain ridiculous measurables and an NFL even is not going to have a motivation to pump up these numbers. Unreal.

Now this is a pretty dang hilarious thread from a Tampa Bay Bucs site, discussing Calvin Johnson (as they really hope he goes to the Bucs). Some major hilarity ensues, along the lines of the M.Faye legend stuff. Here's a sampling of the creativity:

The reason Jimmy Hoffa is buried under Giants Stadium is because he tried to play defense against CJ.

CJ is the only known living human to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.

When CJ makes a quick cut the entire stadium shifts 2 inches.

I heard CJ's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he's never cried.

He will when the Bucs draft him. I just hope the medical community is on hand to collect his tears.

Why would CJ put out a fire? Isn't he usually the one burning people?

I hear he is going to replace Barbaro. He was so upset about the horse that he has decided to run his races. Jockey and everything is included.

Motivated by the sad story, Calvin Johnson went on a five yard crossing pattern and somehow managed to catch the Lindbergh baby.

I heard he's Luke's real father.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Calvin Johnson.

Calvin Johnson CAN believe it's not butter.

I heard CJ can eat Kobayashi in one bite.

Calvin Johnson knows exactly where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.

Calvin Johnson is the only person ever to successfully divide by zero.

Calvin Johnson once helped jump start a Hummer using his nipples. The Hummer exploded.

When Calvin Johnson does a push-up, he isn't pushing himself up, he's actually pusing Earth down.

Calvin Johnson can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Calvin Johnson gave Mona Lisa her smile.

Calvin Johnson has counted to infinity-twice.

Calvin Johnson's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Calvin Johnson ordered a Big Mac at Burger King......and got one.

Calvin Johnson can have his cake AND eat it too

For every touchdown Calvin Johnson gets next season, Bill Gates has volunteered to donate $0.32 to foundations to cure cancer. Cancer is expected to be obliterated worldwide by game 3.

Calvin Johnson does not sleep, he waits.

Everyone loves Raymond. Except Calvin Johnson.

They once made a Calvin Johnson toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take mess from anybody.

Only Calvin Johnson can prevent forest fires.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Calvin Johnson.

When Calvin Johnson was born, the only person to cry was the doctor. NEVER slap Calvin Johnson.

Pigs line up to be made into footballs in hopes that one day Calvin Johnson will catch them.

Calvin Johnson went to the beach and some kids tried to bury him in the sand. This proved to be a futile effort, however, because nothing can cover Calvin Johnson.

Calvin Johnson is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Calvin Johnson's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but TD's.

The last man who made eye contact with Calvin Johnson was Ray Charles

Calvin Johnson doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Every time calvin johnson catches a football an angel gets its wings

And for the height of weirdness:

Calvin Johnson was running so fast he went 50 years back in time. There he was taken in by a group of nuns who he spent the night with. The next morning CJ was gone and they were all pregnent. 9 months later they gave birth to the '72 Dolphins.